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The Beautiful Woman Syndrome: What
is it? How does it affect them? How does it affect you?
The beautiful woman syndrome will affect most men who
pursue gorgeous women. However, most men won't recognize the symptoms of the
beautiful woman syndrome, nor will they know how to effectively deal with it. Do
you? Find out on
www.bwsyndrome.com
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A beautiful young woman trying to
keep her boyfriend from slipping away
Q:
Hi Dr. Pezzi,
I have an amazing boyfriend of four years, and
though we met when we were 17 and in high school we have grown together
throughout college and have shared our aspirations to get married in the future.
During the first few years of our relationship we had a very normal sex life,
though he asked me to not go to clubs, bars or parties without him because he
did not feel comfortable about me being in such situations (in other words, he
didn't trust me). Unfortunately last year the birth control I was on made me
lose all physical desire—I didn't even want to kiss him. He claims that in order
to stay with me and deal with my rejection of all things sexual, he had to train
himself to not be physically attracted to me. Now that I am on a different pill,
I have a very active sex drive, but he has found that he is not physically
attracted to me and “does not see me in that light anymore.” He claims that he
sees me like he sees his little sister, and when I mentioned using sex toys or
trying new things he said he wouldn't feel right doing that with me. He feels
like he needs to protect me, and he loves to just hold me and cuddle. I am not
concerned about not fulfilling my sexual needs, and I realize that it is my
fault since I rejected him sexually for so long (about a year). The hopeful news
is that he still thinks I am beautiful, and he wants to fix this so that we have
a healthy relationship. But I also notice his change of feelings for me in other
aspects of our relationship. He recently has a newfound desire to go out with
his friends, many of whom are girls, and when I go out with him he does not pay
attention to me like he used to. He also feels that I am too controlling over
him, since I have told him that I don’t like him going to dance clubs with his
girl friends that flirt with him. We are currently taking a break because he
feels that I am too controlling, and he has not ruled out dating other people if
the opportunity arises (though he says he will not be looking to meet new
people) to figure out if he has no sexual desire in general, or if it is just
towards me. Is there any way to salvage this relationship? We have had four
amazing years, traveled around the world together and both love each other very
deeply. How can he retrain himself to be attracted to me? What can I do that
will make him see me not like a little sister or a best friend, but as his
companion and partner? He tells me that he thinks we will get through this, but
in the same breath he wants the freedom to see other people if he is approached
by a girl and is attracted to her. Though it is killing me to be away from him
right now, is it best for him to see how he feels about other people, or will
this just make it harder for us to work out our problems?
I know this is very long and complicated, and I
am sure that you are very busy. Thanks in advance for your help.
A: Yes, I am very busy but I couldn't resist answering your
questions. So here goes . . . .
First, I think that your boyfriend is being less than forthcoming
with you. Men have an amazing ability to prevaricate in such situations, so the
explanations that he gave do not necessarily parallel the truth that is
reverberating in his mind. The first thing that caught my eye and pegged my
incredulity meter was “he had to train himself to not be physically attracted to
me.” I think that it would be easier to make a perpetual motion machine than it
would be for a man to successfully de-program himself in this regard. Frankly,
it isn't possible to purposely undo physical attraction unless one takes this
deconditioning to an absurd extreme (you've probably had an undergrad course in
psychology so you can likely imagine how to achieve this result). However, in
the history of the world, the number of men who have done this is, oh, probably
zero. The affinity that men have for certain things, ranging from pizza to
beautiful women, is not under their control. Much of the attraction stems from
preferences that we are born with, and the remainder result from a number of
life experiences that subconsciously instill a liking for some things.
Pinpointing why a particular fondness develops is often a mystery. For example,
why am I attracted to women with slim legs but not chubby legs? I cannot explain
why, nor do I even like the fact that I have this preference. Given the current
prevalence of obesity, it would be much easier for me a find an attractive
partner if I did not have this preference—but I do. Developing minds are exposed
to innumerable influences that leave indelible preferences, and the logic that
governs these likes and dislikes is frequently, well, illogical. Illogical or
not, beneficial or not, wanted or not, we're usually stuck with these
preferences forever. Wouldn't life be so much easier if we could magically cast
off those unwanted likes? My taste for pizza, cakes, cookies, and pies . . .
gone, and replaced by an equal appetite for beans and oatmeal. Just ain't gonna
happen in my lifetime.
Physical attraction does frequently wane, but this natural
dissipation is markedly different from an intentionally induced dissipation. So,
considering all of the foregoing material, I don't believe that your boyfriend
can deliberately erase his attraction for you. Thanks to Google, it took less
than a minute to verify that you are not only beautiful, but also intelligent,
successful, athletic, and obviously headed toward a very promising future. To
put it succinctly, you are a great catch. Please pardon me for being skeptical
enough to wonder if your boyfriend might have a plausible reason for not seeing
you “in that light anymore,” but I've learned that some people do not accurately
perceive how others see them. With that ruled out, I don't understand how any
man could not be attracted to you. Sure, the guys who are dumb or going nowhere
would likely be intimidated by your antithetical traits, but your pulchritude is
sufficient that you've probably caused more cases of whiplash than you realize.
The old saying about “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is more wrong than
it is right. There's a grain of truth in it because people do vary somewhat in
what they deem to be especially beautiful, but research has proven that there
are universal standards for beauty that are hard-wired into our brains. Even
babies have been shown to exhibit a preference for beautiful faces! Considering
that this innate penchant is strengthened by myriad cultural messages that
reinforce what constitutes beauty, it's not surprising that television
executives don't lose much sleep when they are deciding what sort of woman might
appeal to 99.9% of the male viewing audience. Should they choose someone who
looks like Kelly Monaco from Dancing with the Stars, or someone like Miss
Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies television series? The fact
that such a decision is a no-brainer is proof that universal standards of beauty
do exist. The algorithm that helps me judge whether or not you are attractive is
substantially the same as that which operates in other men, so I can confidently
say that virtually no heterosexual man could walk past you without his pupils
dilating. Hence, I cannot comprehend how your boyfriend could feel so little
attraction for you that he sees you not just as his sister, but his “little
sister.” Absolutely preposterous.
On to his next ludicrous suggestion that he may need to date
another woman “to figure out if he has no sexual desire in general, or if it is
just towards” you. Libido is many things, but one thing it is not is subtle.
Especially in young men. If a young man needs help figuring this out, he needs
help all right. He might have some endocrine problem, or psychological problem,
or both. As a physician, I don't think that it is wise to diagnose someone over
the Internet, especially when I am hearing only half of the story, so I won't
even try to do that. However, speaking as a man, I would like to say that there
is so much about his explanations that just don't ring true. Oh, how I would
love to have a man-to-man talk with your boyfriend! After years of working in
the ER, with rarely a minute to waste, I learned to quickly cut through the BS.
Give me two minutes with your boyfriend and I could probably get more out of him
than a vial of “spill your guts” truth serum.
The English language includes many words with multiple
definitions. One of them is “love.” When most people think of love, they usually
think first of the sort of romantic love that commonly exists early in
relationships. Such love usually evolves over time into more of an attachment
than a zealous infatuation, but in rare cases that passion can persist. However,
you haven't even tied the knot with your boyfriend, and he is already mystified
by whether or not his body is producing enough testosterone to light his libido
even when he has a hot woman—you—who is in love with him? Is there
something wrong with this picture? Yes! The dissipation of romantic love is
common and even predictable. But to this degree, this soon, with someone as
desirable as you? It simply doesn't add up. I doubt that your behavior is
repelling him, because such behavior serves as a convenient excuse for ending
relationships when the romantic love is long gone. However, it is difficult to
use this excuse if the “little sister” is a nice person with nothing to
reprehend. His romantic love for you is gone, probably forever, but he can't
summon the courage to decisively dump you, so he is doing it gradually to spare
you (or so he thinks) the pain of being rejected. Been there, done that.
Can you salvage your relationship? Why would you even want to
try? One of the best things about finding someone who truly loves you is the
feeling you get from being with someone who adores you so fervently. His fervor
is less than tepid, and in twenty years it will likely be several notches lower.
Add in the demands of your upcoming career, a few kids, two decades of
increasing familiarity, almost inevitable changes in his body and yours, and
what do you have? Probably not a marriage that is worth having. If divorce court
is on the radar screen even before you say “I do,” you should think twice about
continuing to walk down a path that seems to be leading you in the wrong
direction.
May I share with you a story about a patient I had years ago? She
was hospitalized at age 14 after a suicide attempt engendered by her perception
of her future, a future that she deemed to be lonely because her boyfriend just
dumped her and she couldn't imagine that any other man would want her. I was
stunned that she could think this, given that she was exceptionally pretty—and
you know the male fascination with beauty. I'll save the conclusion of this
story for an upcoming book of ER stories that I am working on, but suffice it to
say that you may have at least a touch of the same lack of self-esteem that
leads women to doubt their ability to find a new partner who is equally or more
appealing than the current one. If that is the case, let me assure you that you
won't have any difficulty finding a new partner.
I might have a vestige of hope that your relationship could be
salvaged if he had a correctable endocrine problem, but the likelihood of that
is slim and even less probable given that he clearly has a desire to consort
with other women. The problem really isn't you, or him, but his lack of desire
for you. I know some ways to rekindle passion that I describe in The Science
of Sex, but augmenting desire in this way is not a sure-fire cure for your
relationship woes because the tips are just as likely to heighten his passion
for other women as they are to make him lust after you. So as much as I'd like
to sell your boyfriend a copy of my book, I doubt that it would do him any good.
My advice to you, as painful as it may be to accept, is to move
on to greener pastures. Yes, your boyfriend probably has some great attributes,
but other men who are equally appealing are bound to be drawn to you, in droves.
One of those men will cherish you so much that he can't imagine living life
without you. Wouldn't it be better to go through life with a man whose love
doesn't need premature resuscitation?
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