Miscellaneous Sexual Questions

Woman upset over how beautiful women can live on Easy Street without lifting a finger

Q: I admit it, I'm jealous of my sister. She is beautiful — slim, fairly large breasts, a sexy belly, great legs and rear, gorgeous face, radiant smile, flowing silky blond hair — you name it, she's got it. I'm no dog, but if she's a "10" (and she probably is), I'm a 6 . . . maybe. I received better grades in high school and college, yet she makes more than I do. A lot more. That is what bugs me — men are willing to give her anything she wants, whether it's in her career, or in her personal life. She knows this, so she isn't very responsible at work. She often comes in late, makes excuses why she has to leave early, takes long lunch breaks, etc., but she's never been fired. She's never done anything for her boyfriends (except you-know-what), not even given one a card, but they're always showering gifts on her. Expensive stuff, too, like stereos, DVD machines, clothes, skis and ski gear, vacations to Europe, and even a new car . . . a BMW, nonetheless! I've received flowers twice in my life, and she sometimes gets them twice per day.

It's obvious why she receives so many gifts. If she were ugly, her rich boyfriends would be chasing someone else, not her. This burns me up, because it is so unfair! I don't know what I expect from you. Maybe I just wanted to vent (a woman's prerogative, you know), but I'm wondering . . . hoping, really, if you could say something to make me feel better. Can you? Angela

A: Yes. First, let me attest to the veracity of what you said. The world is unfair: it rolls out the red carpet for beautiful women. Anyone who doubts this should watch ABC TV's 20/20 exposé on how people are influenced by beauty. This program showed hidden-camera footage of two women applying for jobs at various businesses. They wore identical clothes, and presented comparable educational backgrounds. One woman was gorgeous, one was not. The gorgeous woman always got the job, was offered more money, and told that company policy about the duration of lunch breaks was flexible — apparently just for gorgeous women, because the other woman wasn't told this. The interviewers seemed overly eager to please the stunning applicant, and one went so far as to say he'd do everything he could in the future to promote her. The sun, the moon, and the stars . . . just because she's beautiful. It wasn't what she said, either; most of her replies were monosyllabic. When you're beautiful, that's apparently good enough.

One of the truisms attributed to Bill Gates is, "Life is not fair. Get used to it." He should know, because if life were fair, he wouldn't have become the richest man in the world by selling buggy, exasperating, second-rate software that makes my life as an author, doctor, and inventor more frustrating and less productive than it should be . . . see, men can vent, too. In any case, while I think his pithy comment about fairness is cruelly harsh, it aptly sums up the way the world is, and what you should do about it. Neither I, nor you, nor anyone else, can do anything to temper the boundless affinity that men have for beautiful women. You realize how immutable this preference is, so you just want cheering up. That I can do.

First, you can take comfort in the fact that if you're a "6," you're a fox compared to some women. You might be a Plain Jane relative to your ravishing sister, but some women would give a million dollars, if they had it, if they could look as good as you.

Second, you can take comfort in the fact that beauty is often ephemeral. With each passing decade, the prevalence of beauty in women drops significantly. So, while your sister and similar women may now have the world at their feet, they probably won't for long. When this loss of beauty hits, women who've coasted through the early years of their lives on their looks often panic and think, "Yikes, what now?" Unfortunately for women, the traits that our culture defines as being attractive for women erode more quickly than the attributes that define an attractive man. Hollywood executives, with tens of millions of dollars at stake, have no qualms about casting a 50- or 60-year-old male as the leading man in a movie, but how often do they cast a woman of similar age as the leading woman? They're usually in their twenties or thirties.

Third, you can take comfort in the fact that there is some truth to the cliché about how beautiful women often don't have as many other attributes as less attractive women. The "beautiful woman syndrome" (left click to open in a new window) doesn't affect every beautiful woman, but there is some statistical merit in this stereotype. To tell you the truth, had I been born a beautiful woman, I wouldn't have busted my butt in medical school and spent years working on other things in my "spare time." Unfortunately, I have to work for a living. I'm not averse to work, but if someone handed me things on a silver platter, I'd take them. So would most people, I suspect. You and I can't get away with this, but beautiful women can, so they do it. People who win the lottery always collect the check. Can you blame them?

Fourth, you can take comfort in the fact that no matter how beautiful, smart, rich, or talented a person is, there is always someone who is even more gifted. Most of those beautiful women who you think spend their waking lives nodding in agreement as the world praises them aren't dwelling on how fantastic they are, they're moaning the fact that some women are even more attractive. I think people should stop and smell the roses, instead of wanting more, more, more — whether it's looks, money, fame, or whatnot. What's the point in having more, if getting it only means that you keep setting your sights a notch higher?

Fifth, you can take comfort in the fact that a gorgeous woman never really knows if the man who loves her does so because of her personality and mind, or just because she is beautiful. This is similar to the uncertainty that plagues rich men, who often wonder if it's them or their money that is so attractive. As a doctor who was privy to the private lives of thousands of patients, I know that true love sometimes exists, but it's not as common as conditional love: "I'll love you if you're attractive," or "I'll love you if you're successful."

Finally, you can take comfort in the fact that you're a better, more competent, more deserving person than your level of success might otherwise suggest. Conversely, gorgeous women are sometimes haunted by the fact that they aren't as competent or deserving as their level of success seems to indicate. I suppose some of the really vacuous babes out there suck up all the accolades, gifts, and attention without giving it a second thought, but I think most beauties have some nagging doubts about how great they really are. Sans their stunning bodies, I think most of them are honest enough, at least with themselves, to admit that their lives would be a whole lot different if they weren't so attractive.

Feel better now?

How did I learn so much?

Q: How did you become such an expert on sex? Jill

A: It's probably not what you think — I'm no profligate Charlie Sheen. How did I learn so much? To begin with, I graduated in the top 1% of my class in medical school. So, compared to other doctors, I learned more about not just sex, but also more about anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, nutrition, pharmacology, endocrinology, neurology, urology, gynecology, histology, and embryology — which are the underpinnings of knowledge about sex. Second, in terms of sexual education per se, I attended a medical school that emphasized sexual education more than most medical schools. Third, I've read extensively on this subject, going far beyond the material presented in medical school — which I consider to be merely introductory Sex Ed 101 stuff. Fourth, I excel not just at memorization but also at integrating knowledge. To put this in colloquial terms, I'm good at "putting it all together" or "connecting the dots." Incidentally, I think that ability explains why I'm so creative. Fifth, I've conducted novel research, from which I've garnered some groundbreaking information. Sixth, I have a naturally curious mind. Everyone knows that sex does not feel the same with different partners or even from time to time with the same partner. I was intrigued by what accounts for this often remarkable difference in pleasure, so I dug deep — very deep. In the process, I learned some fascinating things.

Is love a social construct or sexual attraction?

Q: Dear Doctor: I am doing a term paper on love. My question is: "Is love a social construct or sexual attraction?" Paul

A: Neither. Marriage is a social construct. Love is much more instinctive. If you were born into a world in which marriage did not exist, there is a good chance that you would never conceive of that construct. If you doubt me, think of the millions of people who did just that.

Love is not a social construct. It has tangible roots in our biology. Definable changes in hormones and brain neurotransmitters occur when a person is in love, or is on the path leading to it. This is discussed in The Alchemy of Love and Lust: How Our Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationships by Theresa L. Crenshaw, MD, and to a lesser extent in my book (The Science of Sex).

Love is also not sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is one of the key ingredients that spark feelings of love, but sexual attraction per se is not love, nor anything even close to it. Offhand, the most attractive woman I can think of is Helene Eksterowicz from the second The Bachelor miniseries. Am I attracted to her? How could any red-blooded man not be attracted to her? On the day that looks were handed out, she won the lottery. But do I love her? No. Lust is essentially a synonym for sexual attraction, but love is not.

So what is love? Rather than discuss this from a hormonal/neurochemical perspective, I will address it in shirtsleeve English. Love develops when the following three conditions are met:

1. There is attraction. This is usually predicated on physical attraction, but sometimes on an appreciation of brainpower, talent, personality, financial resources (think Melinda Gates), social status (think of the women who went gaga over President Clinton), or fame.

3. And, most importantly, a little voice in your head tells you that this is the best person you can hope to get at the current time.

This latter point is key. I could be attracted to many women, and some of them could be attracted to me, but I would not fall in love with someone if I thought I could get a better catch. Incidentally, this "best catch" requirement explains why people usually fall in love with ONE person, since there is just one best catch.

It is interesting to consider how self-perception narrows the field of candidates for love. This is all the more interesting when you realize that self-perception influences not just this nebulous thing called love, but also hormones and neurotransmitters. What is so intriguing about this is that when self-perception is less, the field of potential (not necessarily likely) candidates widens. A man who is a "5" (and views himself as such) could be attracted to women whose appearance is average, above-average, or beautiful. Assuming his interest was reciprocated, that man could potentially fall in love with any one of millions of women, ranging from a Plain Jane living next door, to Helene Eksterowicz. However, if that man were a "10" and realized it, he would likely turn up his nose at less attractive women — even 7's and 8's that most men would be thrilled to have a relationship with.

Get yourself a cup of coffee, sit down, put your feet up, and ponder this matter for a while. It has broad implications for contentment, happiness, and targets that you set for what you want to get out of life.

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