Questions about Relationships

A very pretty virgin is falling for a man who had 350 partners

Q: Dear Dr. Pezzi: I am a 30-year-old woman and will be having sex for the first time in a couple of weeks. The reasons why I waited so long vary. I wanted to be in love with my "first" and I haven't been in love since college (he was actually sleeping with one of my friends while we were dating; I found out right before the big event and broke up with him). I have also been very focused on my career and let my personal life slide. The person that I am dating now is someone that I have known for years. We have always had "feelings" for each other, we have great intellectual chemistry, and our physical chemistry (thus far) has been very good. We didn't date before this because he was also very focused on his career and wanted to sleep around as much as possible before we tried dating. He (and I) always felt that once we took that step, that would be it, for both of us. He has slept around a lot (in the hundreds), and although we have maintained a very close friendship over the past couple of years I have not told him of my virginal status, nor does he suspect that I am still a virgin. At the risk of sounding conceited, I am very pretty, in great physical shape, and very well "put together." Men constantly approach me (even a couple of his friends, who I frequently run into at restaurants and at the gym). So he has no reason to suspect, nor am I going to tell. This is the problem: as I mentioned he has had many partners and I know he likes it "wild" (hair pulling, etc.) . . . and I suspect I would as well. However, my conception of wild may be very different from his, although I am not sure how. We recently saw a movie together (before we started dating) that involved quite a bit of spanking. He asked me what I thought about that and I told him that it looked like a lot of fun. Honestly, I was thoroughly excited.

I want this to be great for him. I know it will be great for me no matter what, because I am wildly attracted to him and very close to being in love with him. I also know him well enough to know he feels the same way. I have a couple of weeks to "prepare" (I am going out of town on business for three weeks in a couple of days and we decided to wait until I came back). Do you have any suggestions? Thank you, Clarissa

A: Yes I do, but before I delve into that, I want to address another issue, namely "He has slept around a lot (in the hundreds) . . ." I assume you mean that he has had hundreds of partners, correct? (Not one or two partners hundreds of times.)

Q: Dear Kevin: Thank you for responding to my e-mail. Regarding "I assume you mean that he has had hundreds of partners, correct? (Not one or two partners hundreds of times.)": Both. He has had hundreds of partners — probably around 350 over the past nine years, twelve of whom he slept with hundreds of times ("friends"), maybe 150 "one nighters." The remaining: sexual interaction occurred between 8 and 25 times with each partner. For example, until recently he was sleeping with a woman who lives in his apartment building. They weren't dating, they would just get together twice a week and have sex (for the past three years), but he was also dating and sleeping with other women (most of his dating relationships would fizzle out around the 6th date).

Regarding the possibility of contracting an STD: he uses condoms, and always has, except several times about 9 years ago (he was dating someone for about two years, they were monogamous, and they didn't use them a couple of times. He has always told me that he is very careful, always examines the "area," and he never touches himself with the hand that has touched her. He is also a surgeon and has a blood test every couple of months. However, he has not been careful in respect to oral sex. He is quite comfortable with performing cunnilingus, even on a complete stranger — which obviously possesses (albeit a small) theoretical and demonstrated risk of STD transmission.

At this point, I am more concerned with his inability/unwillingness to have established or maintained an emotional relationship with any of these women. He always said I was the standard by which he measured all women and they always fell short. The more realistic explanation is, aside from enjoying/appreciating the same things, we have incredible intellectual chemistry. Most of his female companions are not intelligent. The intelligent professional women that he dated are either un-cultured or unattractive (by his standards). But still, 9 years of meaningless, emotionless sex . . . is it possible he is addicted?

A: The short answer: yes. The long answer: You're obviously an intelligent woman, so why can't you see that you're about to make a major mistake? He has "DANGER" written all over him. Let's analyze this in detail.

First, it is helpful to enumerate why people have sex. This may seem overly simplistic, but I think this is the best way to make one of my points. People have sex for procreation, to help cement a relationship, to give and receive love, and simply for sexual gratification. Your prospective partner (let's call him Bill) obviously is not having sex for the first three reasons. You might think that his sexual appetite is fueled by the latter urge, but I disagree. If sexual release was Bill's motivating factor, why is he evidently perpetually on the prowl for someone new? Why isn't the woman he had sex with last night good enough? Or the woman he slept with last week? Or if finding a quality partner is so difficult for him, why doesn't he just masturbate like the rest of us do? Why is he on a crusade to boink enough women to fill a small town? Do women mean anything to him other than giving him an opportunity to carve another notch in his bedpost?

Oh, I get it . . . Bill's quest for new flesh will end the day you sleep with him. A switch will flip in his mind, and he will become monogamous. A cozy home in the suburbs, a white picket fence, just you and him forever. Does that strike you as plausible? It strikes me as wishful thinking and a fanciful dismissal of the evidence. Ask a man to walk on the moon? No problem. Ask him to change? Don't hold your breath.

You're probably thinking that things will be different with you and Bill because you're hot enough to make him put down roots. Do you honestly believe that Bill is so skilled at finding duds that he found hundreds of them who were such losers that they deserved to be dumped once he had his jollies? Do you think that Bill found 350 women who just wanted a fling? In my experience, it is a rare woman who wants sex but not a relationship. Do you think that Bill possesses some phenomenal ability to ferret out likeminded people? I don't. I think that many, if not most, of his conquests believed that they were special, too, and that they had a future with him. Marrying a surgeon? Gee whiz, that is almost as desirable as bagging a rock star. Bill is obviously attractive, charming, and successful . . . and you think that he found countless women who just wanted an affair and nothing more? It is a safe bet that this isn't true, and he knew it. Nevertheless, he was slick enough to make them believe otherwise. He's undoubtedly suave and skilled at making women presume that sleeping with him is a worthwhile investment. You think so, too, don't you?

Some of the most charming and irresistible people in history were psychopaths. Contrary to popular opinion, psychopaths are not twisted in every way at all times. They don't reek of being aberrant 24/7/365. They can have facets of utter normalcy, which gives them the ability to coexist with less extreme people and not stick out like a sore thumb . . . except when they choose to unfurl their tantalizing spells. After my training in psychiatry and exposure to many thousands of patients in a variety of clinical situations, and after I've pondered why people are spellbound by political leaders who are clearly nuts, it is obvious to me that people are often magnetically drawn to individuals who know how to exploit their unorthodox tendencies. They know that many folks are just sheep who are eager to follow "the man with something extra." The man who does everything by the book and abides by the rules the rest of us follow — well, that man has "plain vanilla" stamped all over him. We crave leaders who believe, and act, as if they are genuinely endowed with singular powers.

I am not necessarily saying that Bill has psychopathic tendencies, but to bed 350 or so women requires a special "gift" that is worthy of an honorable mention in The Guinness Book of Records. An average man has to work overtime to sleep with ten partners, which is fairly typical. Yet your Bill, in spite of the arduous years of medical school and residency, managed to have sex with 35 times as many partners? Aren't you alarmed by such off-the-scale behavior? Had he not been sidetracked by the nuisance of his medical education, do you think that he would have stopped at a mere 350? He is indisputably an avid believer in the notion that "more is better." In fact, that seems to be his guiding light. Without that bothersome diversion of med school and residency, he'd likely had given free rein to his impulses and slept with enough women to erase your hope that his sexual appetite is not incorrigible. Don't comfort yourself thinking that this is water under the bridge. In the years to come after residency, he will have much more time to pursue his personal interests. Don't believe me? Just wait.

On to the next major obstacle standing between you and Bill and happiness forever. If you read the topic about Why does sexual pleasure vary so much from one woman to the next?, you know that the sexual pleasure men receive from sleeping with women varies greatly — probably much more than the pleasure variation women receive from different men, thus making it difficult for women to comprehend this. After sleeping with hundreds of women, Bill is sure to have found a few sexual superstars. If you aren't one, keeping Bill on his leash is just a pipe dream.

Perhaps you think that sexual compatibility (e.g., the spanking you mentioned) will suffice to keep Bill content. One might logically wonder how unusual his sexual tastes are if he has yet to find a good match after 350 candidates have not passed muster. Trust me, he's already slept with sexually compatible women, and dumped them. Probably dozens of times.

On to the topic you knew I would discuss, so you preemptively attempted to dismiss my concerns about it: disease. I will begin by stating the obvious: Bill has not been too careful about choosing his partners, and you don't need an MD degree to know that a quick visual check of the vulva is not sufficient to exclude transmissible diseases. Next point: the protection that condoms provide is far from absolute, and I've read convincing statistical analyses by Ph.D.s who asseverated that partner selection is more important than condom usage. Again, partner selection is Bill's Achilles' heel.

By "blood test," I assume you mean testing for HIV and perhaps hepatitis. But what about the other diseases? And what about your real danger, which is that he's disease-free now, but may not be next Tuesday? I am not as confident as you are that your intellectual and physical chemistry will reform his ingrained behavior. He's had physical chemistry with others. And surely in his storied past were at least a few women who were bright, interesting, and vivacious. And what are they now? History.

I am alarmed by your statement about "Most of his female companions are not intelligent." Does he purposely choose dingbats? Or is it so tough to find 350 bed buddies that he is willing to scrape the bottom of the barrel? Or does he somehow prefer to sleep with intellectually vacuous women, saving you — The Prize, The Catch, The Complete Package — for long-term asexual idolization? This is bizarre. If I were attracted to you and we really hit it off (as you seem to have done with him), I'd want to sleep with you, not a multitude of other women. If he were as fond about you as you are for him, he would not have embarked on his jihad to sleep with every willing woman. Some premarital sexual exploration is normal . . . but three hundred and fifty? Does. Not. Compute.

I was also alarmed when you said, "The intelligent professional women that he dated are either un-cultured or unattractive (by his standards)." When 99.9% of men meet women they find unattractive, they don't sleep with them. Makes sense, doesn't it? What is it that compels Bill to buck this commonsense tenet?

Back to the discourse on disease. The fact that he ends up twixt the sheets with women who usually aren't brainy is something that heightens his STD risk. Some things are too politically incorrect to be mentioned in the mainstream press, so you may not be aware of the fact that the prevalence of STD's in dumb people is much greater than it is in intelligent people. By definition, dumb people do dumb things — one of which is to fail to exercise proper precaution in the selection of sexual partners. Oh, the stories I could tell you about this subject! I'll save those tantalizing true tales for another book and just give you one of the lessons that I, as an experienced doctor, learned in dealing with patients who saw me because they were concerned after having sex with a new partner. The intelligent people, whose circumspection made them wary, rarely acquired diseases. The dumbbells? They'd be whimpering "Why did this happen to me?" as I explained the results of their examination and tests and thought, "Because you slept with the wrong guy." It's not that I am not sympathetic. I am. It's just that there is no substitute for prudent avoidance.

All of which brings me back to you. You might not contract anything from him initially, and he might remain forever faithful, although the chance of that is slim. The one thing you cannot avoid is that having 350 partners is a very bad sign. Please tell me that you are intelligent enough for this to dissuade you from making a mistake that you may forever lament.

I've met docs like Bill before. One of them lost his medical license after he had sex with a patient in the hospital chapel and videotaped it. Ripley was right: truth is stranger than fiction. I am afraid that years of "way beyond the norm" behavior have imbued Bill with the idea that he can do just about anything. He might cool his jets for a while, but when the 7-year itch hits (or for him, 7 months, if you're lucky), he'll revert to his old habits. You might very well regret passing up better, more stable opportunities by devoting yourself to him.

I'm sure you've heard that saying about, "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." Many of Bill's partners probably felt used by him, and now regret sleeping with him. One of the advantages of reading history and reading about others is that we can learn from their mistakes. Wouldn't life be unbearably tough if we had to personally learn everything the hard way? You have the luxury of having 350 women attest that Bill uses women and discards them. And you want to be #351?

Sea-going husband suggests that his wife fornicate while he is gone; she fell in love

Q: I am married to a wonderful man who happens to be out at sea. While he was out he said I could have a partner. I decided a threesome would be fun. So my co-worker and her fiancé of five years decided to get together with me. It has been three months now and things have been great until my friend's fiancé told me that he thought he was in love with both she and I. And I felt the same, but remember my husband who I also love is still out to sea. Now, my husband knows about the threesome and when he gets home we are planning to include him in the fun. I guess my question to you is this, can a person be truly in love with two people at the same time? Or is there another explanation for both his and my feelings towards each other and our spouses? Thanks, Erica

A: Is there another explanation? Yes. You're lonely. And him? Well, he is obviously not lonely.

Is he genuinely in love with you? I can't give you a definite answer based on the limited information I have about your relationship, but there is a good chance that he is confusing lust with love. Or perhaps you've both succumbed to the pair-bonding effect of oxytocin.

Is it possible to love two people simultaneously? Absolutely. We're generally conditioned in our culture to confine ourselves to one romantic partner at a time for pragmatic reasons, but consider this: is love rational and based on definable reasons, or it is irrational and based on nebulous and ethereal whims? People usually fall in love for identifiable reasons: physical attraction, shared interests and beliefs, commonality of intellect and sense of humor, complementary goals and personalities, mutual admiration and respect, and yes, great sex. So if you love your husband because he possesses certain attributes, why wouldn't you be very fond of someone who was endowed with the same or substantially similar attributes? The notion that "there is just one perfect mate for me" is sappy hogwash. If love were predicated on this "one perfect match" nonsense, humans would have gone extinct eons ago. Prior to the advent of motorized transportation, people usually fell in love with others who were within walking distance.

Although we all have countless potential partners who would be good love matches for us, we typically suppress those feelings — sometimes unconsciously and sometimes with a great deal of conscious struggle. Loving more than one person at a time is easy, but it is difficult for most people to accept that they are not the sole love interest of their partners. To keep this from being a source of friction, we usually nix the love for others . . . or try to act as if that love never existed or was erased. Things are obviously different in your little enclave. If your husband is so devoid of the usual male jealousy that compels most men to throw a conniption fit when confronted with infidelity, then he may also accept the fact that you love someone besides him. Given that he is the one who suggested that some man pinch-hit for him in his absence, he would be on shaky ground by proposing your extramarital affair but bristling at the feelings of love that might foreseeably result from it. That would be like suggesting that you strike a match, but complaining that a flame resulted.

Pro baseball player scoring on the road?

Q: My husband is a Major League baseball player who takes Viagra (no, he's not the guy in the ads). My husband takes Viagra with him on road trips. I confronted him about this, thinking that he cheats on me while he is on the road. He responded that he needs the Viagra so he can masturbate. Does this make sense to you?

A: Have you ever read Ball Four by Jim Bouton, the former major league pitcher? In that exposé, he revealed the sexual escapades of ballplayers, among other topics. I'm not suggesting that your husband is necessarily cheating on you (he may suffer from the common misconception that men need an erection to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm, or he may simply find it easier to masturbate with an erection and he is willing to incur the potential side effects of Viagra for this minor convenience), but I can certainly understand why you are suspicious, given the track record of professional athletes in regard to marital fidelity. I suggest that you educate your husband on this matter, teaching him that an erection is not a prerequisite for masturbation to orgasm, and showing him ways (if he doesn't already know them) to masturbate without a full erection. Afterwards, if he still insists on using Viagra during road trips, he's either really stupid or he's really stupid. Take your pick.

ER doc too busy to make love to the woman he's dating?

Q: I started dating (if you can even call it that) an ER doc about a month ago. He is always really tired or really busy -- works 14 shifts a month, but what exactly is a "shift"? I know they're rotating shifts. I REALLY like this guy and can't tell if he truly works a ton of hours or if he's just blowing me off. I'm thinking "if you're too busy to f*ck me, you are TOO BUSY" but I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt. Should I continue to wait for his call or move on?

A: An ER shift is typically anywhere from 8 to 12 hours. However, by the time the doc completes his dictations, paperwork, and wraps up the care on his patients, each shift may be prolonged a few hours — or it may not, depending on how busy the shift was. Working 14 shifts per month may not seem like much, but ER work can really sap one's energy. I've worked many jobs in my life, and nothing — I mean NOTHING — was even a tenth as exhausting as ER work. I used to mow lawns, primarily using a push mower. Trust me, you've never seen anyone mow a lawn as fast as me. I souped up my mowers so they could still do a good job of mowing even when pushed at a breakneck speed. In the blink of an eye, I could turn the mower around and accelerate to my mowing pace (which was faster than most people run). I'd do this all day long, seven days per week. Tiring? Just a pleasant stiffness in my muscles at night. Compared to ER, it was like being on vacation.

If you think I'm getting off-topic, just bear with me for a minute: I'm giving you this background information so you can fully grasp what I'm about to tell you. Physically, the most taxing job I had was when I worked for a guy carrying building materials up a hill (he was building a home on a hill so steep that no truck could ascend it, so he hired me to carry the boards from the base of the hill, a few hundred feet to the top. The man was really a slavedriver, insisting that I carry two thick sheets of plywood at a time up the hill. An average man couldn't even pick up two such sheets of plywood, let alone carry them hundreds of feet up a hill, and do that over and over again — building a home requires umpteen tons of lumber. Was I tired afterward? A bit, but that job was a walk in the park compared to being an ER doc.

I could regale you with tales of my other 18 jobs, but the take-home message is the same: nothing is nearly as exhausting as being an ER doc. Obviously, ER work isn't especially demanding from a physical standpoint: witness the paunchy physiques of most ER docs. However, ER work is mentally taxing, and that is far more onerous than physically demanding jobs. If you care to think about this from an evolutionary perspective, humans evolved to tolerate prolonged physical activity quite well, and also sporadic mental stress — like being chased by a saber-toothed tiger. Our "fight-or-flight" response is great for dealing with such periodic stresses, but it does a miserable job of coping with mental stress that goes on and on and on . . . such as what ER doctors face. It's been scientifically proven that humans and animals have a more difficult time coping with stress when the stressor(s) are not under one's control. You may think the ER doc is in control of the ER, but he isn't. He can't control how many patients flood the ER at any one time. If the patient volume is overwhelming, he can't prevent another dozen people from walking in the door, all screaming for attention NOW. He can't control what his patients are like, some of whom are so out-of-control that one such patient could sap all his time. There are hundreds of factors that are not under the control of ER doctors, and these stressors malignantly affect the docs. After all, they're human.

Most ER docs love to feel that they're tough and can handle anything. Unfortunately, they can't evade biological reality. Protracted, severe stress induces biochemical changes within the body that produces noticeable changes: muscles atrophy a bit, and there's a bit more fat, especially on the trunk. There are a dozen other changes, but you didn't tune in for a lecture on endocrinology, so I'll cut to the chase and discuss how chronic stress impacts libido. Briefly, it reduces it, primarily mediated by a fall in the testosterone level.

Don't think that I'm writing all this to excuse the apparent sexual exhaustion of your quasi-boyfriend. I'm not. I've worked full-time in one ER and part-time in another ER while doing other jobs on the side, such as writing and inventing. Even though I'm typically a high-energy person, sometimes I'd be so drained that on my days off, all I'd want to do is sit in a chair and stare at the wall. I had so much that I wanted to do, but I was so pooped that I couldn't muster the energy . . . except when it came to sex. On those rare occasions when I had a girlfriend, I was never "too tired."

My diagnosis? There's a problem here. Either the doc you're dating has a problem with his libido, or he isn't attracted to you. Since he is dating you, I suspect that he must be attracted. Ergo, there is likely a problem with his libido. Working rotating shifts (in which the schedule changes from day to afternoon to night shifts in a cyclic fashion) is a great way to wreak havoc on the body. People who work the night shift typically live a few years less than average, and people who work rotating shifts face even greater stress, because their body never has a chance to adapt to the constantly changing schedules. Hence, it isn't surprising that an ER doc working rotating shifts would manifest some collateral damage.

Other than the stress of ER, there are countless factors that may impair sexuality. I won't try to offer a definitive diagnosis for him over the Internet, but I'd like to help. I know more about sex than Dr. Ruth. That may seem like bragging, but it's true, I assure you. She knows the basics, but — yawn — what doctor doesn't? Compared to what I know, she is still in kindergarten. Therefore, I have a lot to offer, so I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, The Science of Sex: Enhancing Sexual Pleasure, Performance, Attraction, and Desire, if you don't mind reading an e-book. Reading that book will give you a lot to mull over, including some things you've certainly never considered. If you think I'm just hyping the book (but why I'd do that to encourage someone to accept a free copy is beyond me), I'm not. There isn't a doctor in the world who knows more about sex than I do. I read every book I can get my hands on that is even remotely similar to mine, because I believe in checking out my competitors. Consequently, I've read countless books in this genre, and most are laughably mickey-mouse and an utter waste of time. My book will have your head spinning, and if the information in it can't turn your man into a sexual dynamo, well, it's time to search for another man.

Dating a woman, but sexually intimidated by her because she's a doctor

Q: I'm dating a woman who is an MD. Everything is great in our relationship, except for one thing. I'm reluctant to have sex with her, because I am quite frankly intimidated by her medical knowledge, especially as it pertains to sex. She must know every intricate detail, and I have this old-fashioned notion that the man should be more of an expert in this area. Any advice? Scott

A: Yes. First, chill out. Second, learn at least the basics about sexual anatomy. Doctors know the correct terminology, and they sometimes assume that other smart people know as much as they do. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they don't. If she mentions a certain term during sex, it'd be better if you didn't need to ask, "Um, what's that?" Third, take comfort in the fact that while docs possess an extensive knowledge of sexual anatomy, disease, and reproduction, they usually don't know much more than an ordinary person about how to have sex. I suspect this is the cause of your concern. You may imagine that your girlfriend is a sexual dynamo, brimming with arcane knowledge taught only in cloistered medical schools where it is passed in hushed tones from one generation to the next. That isn't likely. The medical school that I attended emphasized sexual education, but what I learned there was less than 1% of what I've learned on my own. Frankly, there is so much to cram into four years of med school that there isn't time to dwell on any one topic. Hence, your friend obviously knows the rudiments of sex, but she is most likely not an expert. If you read my book, you'll know countless things that she doesn't know, and likely has never considered. For example, in medical school every student studies the various types of nerve receptors, but they're too busy with other things to contemplate how to use that knowledge so as to optimize sexual pleasure. Years after medical school, nerve receptors are but a distant memory in the minds of most physicians, and expecting them to connect the dots and apply that shaky knowledge to some novel application is asking a lot. I do this, and a lot more, in my book. If you read it, you'll have a phenomenal knowledge of sex, and you can teach her hundreds of things. Have fun.

She is attracted to her doctor — how should she proceed?
Q: I was attracted to my doctor the first time I met him. I have never before had this kind of instant attraction to any man. I think I like him so much because I really go for smart men with a compassionate side. While I am normally shy, I have managed to flirt with him a little bit. He kids with me and seems not to mind my flirting.

I guess my concern is that what I see as possible interest on his part could just be a great bedside manner. Maybe he is naturally nice to all his patients.

A: That is possible. I've had women misread my pleasantness, too. Some of these situations were so memorable that I will include them in my next book of ER stories.

Q: This would be so much easier if he were my cable guy or someone I met in a grocery store! I have so little experience in flirting and reading men for positive signals because they will approach me first. How can I tell if he really is interested? Is there anything I can do or say to let him know I want to get to know him?

By the way, I'm being treated for anemia, so it's not like I have some scary disease that would be a turn-off. Thanks. Judy

A: This is definitely a touchy situation. On one hand, you don't want to create an uncomfortable situation if he is not attracted to you. On the other hand, you don't want to pass up an opportunity for a potentially great relationship.

I assume he is not married, but he may already be involved with someone, unbeknownst to you. Assuming that he is available and attracted to you, he still may not want to become involved. Why? State medical boards frown on doctors becoming sexually involved with patients. I exhaustively researched this matter a few years ago when another reader asked me a similar question. From what I determined, the only relatively safe course of action is for the doctor to terminate his professional relationship before he becomes personally involved. I said "relatively safe" because there is always the potential for you to raise a stink with the medical board, regardless of when he last saw you as a patient, if things don't work out and he ends the relationship. You strike me as someone who is not likely to do this, but some woman, somewhere, gave credence to the phrase "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." In fairness to women, rejected men can be equally malevolent.

I think the most logical way to proceed is to:

1. Determine if he is available.
2. If he is available, determine if he is willing to risk dating a patient who is agreeable to becoming an ex-patient.
3. If he is willing to date an ex-patient, determine if he is interested in you.

You can do this on your own, of course, but it may be a delicate situation, as I discussed above. If you want, I will intercede on your behalf if you give me his name and e-mail address (I won't tell him your name). Thus, if he is involved with someone, or not willing to date a former patient, then you needn't go through the uncomfortable situation of telling him that you are interested.

PS: I just had another thought about your statement, "Is there anything I can do or say to let him know I want to get to know him?" Yes, there is. If you want to handle this matter on your own, you could look him in the eye, pause for effect, and then say, "I like you." If he pats you on the shoulder, gives you a perfunctory brief smile, says "I like you, too, Judy," then resumes from where he left off, it is a safe bet he is not personally interested in you. On the other hand, if he stops dead in his tracks and looks stunned, that is because he is searching for a way of letting you know he is interested, without doing something that might run afoul of the state medical board.

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