Questions about Sexual Attraction

Situational beauty phenomenon

Q: I'm not having much luck attracting men. I keep myself in good shape, but I wasn't born with good looks. I'm not a dog, either, but I'm evidently not what men are looking for. Short of plastic surgery or new clothes (I've tried the latter, with no success), what can I do? Thanks for any help you can give me! Terri.

A: In The Science of Sex , I devoted one chapter to the enhancement of intersexual attraction. One thing that I didn't mention in my book is that you can enhance your desirability by taking advantage of the situational beauty phenomenon. I'll illustrate that by the following story.

A few years ago my brother Ray and I were snowmobiling in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, and we stopped into a restaurant to get a hot chocolate. A few minutes later a woman who'd been snowmobiling entered the restaurant, and we both opined that she was quite attractive. Musing about this over the next few days, I questioned why we thought that woman was so attractive. She was slim, but otherwise possessed no extraordinary physical traits. Moreover, had I passed by her in a mall or in a restaurant in a non-snowmobiling area, I wouldn't have given her a second look. So what was it about her that elevated my perception of her attractiveness? The fact that she was a female snowmobiler. While women who snowmobile aren't quite as rare as a dodo bird, they're rare enough to stand out in a crowd. I suppose it is also human nature to reflexively like people who share your interests.

Besides snowmobiling, another activity you might want to try is target shooting at a shooting range. (Before you non-shooters start guffawing, I should mention that I took a woman friend of mine to a shooting range and in the course of a few hours her opinion changed from "I hate guns" to enjoying that activity so much she didn't want to leave the shooting range.) A single woman who shows up at a shooting range is bound to attract a lot of attention from men, and if you try that on a Saturday afternoon and don't have a date for that evening . . . well, then you do need plastic surgery!

If shooting doesn't rate high enough on your PC scale for you to give it a try, consider golfing, fishing, boating, camping, or any other activity that draws men. Yes, some women engage in those activities, but they're usually tagging along with a man. Try doing it stag and you're bound to attract attention.

A: The short answer: you're a man.

The long answer: The male affinity for this is partly hard-wired because of genetics, and partly a learned response in which we associate vulvas with pleasure. While vulvas do not possess the aesthetic charm of a woman's face, for example, the vulva/pleasure link is so strong that men are bound to be fond of this anatomical region. Think about it this way: If you were given a thousand dollars every time someone showed you a picture of any car, from a dented old rustbucket to a shiny new Ferrari, your affinity for seeing cars would increase, wouldn't it? The human brain is wired to like things that are linked with pleasure, both directly and indirectly.

Weight gain after marriage and pregnancy: is it inevitable?

Q: I hate to admit this, but after my wife gave birth I am no longer attracted to her. She had a good figure before pregnancy, but now she's overweight. I've tried to get her to exercise or diet, but she won't even try. Her doctor says her thyroid is fine, so that's not the problem. I've noticed that many other women seem to permanently gain weight after pregnancy. Is this something that is inevitable and men just need to accept? Eric

A: It's not inevitable. The incidence of obesity in this country has skyrocketed in the past few decades. Obesity is itself a disease as well as being one of the primary contributing factors to heart disease, diabetes, cancer, stroke, and arthritis. Therefore, obesity is not just a cosmetic problem. Yet in spite of the fact that it is a serious and alarmingly prevalent disease, it has become somewhat politically incorrect to think of this as a problem. Instead, we're pressurized to accept obesity as being almost inescapable. Men are made to feel guilty for desiring a svelte wife, and we're told that we're putting unreasonable pressures on women by expecting them to look like an actress, model, or Barbie doll. OK, it IS unreasonable to expect every woman to be as thin as a stick, but is it really too much to ask for today's women to have the same amount of body fat as women did a few generations ago? In view of the fact that it used to be considered unladylike for women to sweat, whereas exercise is now culturally acceptable, you might think that today's women should be in even better shape. And with the countless numbers of diet pills, diet supplements, fat-free foods, weight loss books and clinics and whatnot, you might think that women should be as thin as Barbie. Instead, we now have more women than ever who weigh more than their husbands. The question is: why?

Before I answer that question, I should point out that I'm not gratuitously slamming women. I used to be fat myself and I know how easy it is to gain weight. However, I also know that anyone who wants to lose weight can succeed. When I got out of my residency program I was so fat I couldn't see my feet when I stood up. Now, even though I'm 14 years older, I have a better body than most teenagers. I'm not mentioning this to brag; I'm mentioning this to demonstrate that obesity is not some sort of inevitable plague.

I will not address all of the explanations for obesity since many of them are well-known and there are enough of them to fill a book. Instead, I'll focus upon why women, more than men, are gaining weight.

First, let's discuss the "ripcord phenomenon." I don't know if women discuss this amongst themselves, but every man I've known seems to know about it — and fear it. In case you're not familiar with the term, the ripcord phenomenon refers to the sudden ballooning of women after they feel they've hooked a man . . . say, by getting a wedding ring or, for the ultimate hook, by giving birth. Go ahead and scream about how politically incorrect I am for discussing this, but remember that men were derisively discussing this before I hit puberty and cared about what women looked like. I'm the messenger, not the source of the message. The message is that men like attractive women — surprise! — and that we're a bit miffed when the women in our lives think so little of us that they give up trying to be attractive. This stings all the more when men think that woman don't try to lose weight because, thanks to the wedding ring or children, they no longer need to even try. The hooks are sunk, so why lift a finger?

Instead of pouting year after year about why men are so commitment-phobic, magazines like Cosmopolitan could do their readers a favor by forthrightly addressing some of the reasons why men are reluctant to tie the knot — and one of these reasons is the fear of the ripcord phenomenon. Or the editors of Cosmo might want to buy my $10 book (free if you buy my sex book) in which I explain how it is possible to lose weight without dieting, drugs, herbs, exercise, or surgery. That might seem as plausible as a perpetual motion machine or time travel, but it works and the science behind it is basic physiology and physics. Not voodoo. Not diets that only work for Hollywood celebrities. The problem is that hucksters have promised us weight loss miracles for decades, and 99.99% of those claims are either overhyped nonsense or a rehash of an old idea. Consequently, it is natural that people are skeptical of weight loss claims — especially ones that seem too good to be true. Alarmingly, the Federal Trade Commission is trying to pressure the media into not accepting weight loss ads that make "too good to be true" claims. The problem with stifling free speech in this manner is that it presupposes that no miraculous breakthroughs will ever occur — some of which may at first seem too good to be true. So should physicians and scientists stop thinking and innovating, fearing that a government bureaucrat with a room-temperature IQ could quash their ideas even if they're legitimate breakthroughs? Haven't we been down this road before? People who once suggested that the earth is round were lambasted by the folks who "knew" the obvious, what they could see with their own eyes: the earth was flat. And then there was the obviously premature idea circulating around 1900 in which people suggested stopping research in physics, since everything about physics was known. The atom bomb blew that supposition apart.

Why do today's women seem to care less about their figures than women once did? The answer is simple: because more women than ever work, they don't need men. Collectively, enough women gained weight so that the overall "mark" against which women are judged was lowered a notch or two. After all, women use their looks (and other attributes, of course) to compete for the best possible man. If enough women gain weight — and this is just what happened — then what passes for an average woman is quite a bit chubbier than before. If a man wants to get married, he often must settle for a woman who is fatter than he'd prefer.

Interestingly, this ripcord phenomenon has not yet pervaded every part of the United States, and certainly not every part of the world. Two summers ago my friend Tracey and her husband, who live in southern Florida, came up to Michigan, my home state. Tracey was flabbergasted and commented, "What the hell is wrong with these women in Michigan? Almost all of them are fat!"

One of the most common explanations for why there are so many obese women in northern Michigan is that it's cold up here, so women bundle up. Since layers of clothes can camouflage fat, the main theory is that this reduces the incentive to diet and exercise. That isn't the sole explanation. It's even colder in Minnesota, but the prevalence of obesity in that state is much less. Go figure. Or consider women in Russia, many parts of which are far colder than Minnesota. Women who place personals ads in Russia typically describe their physiques as average when they weigh 100 to 110 pounds. In contrast, women in the United States (and especially regions like northern Michigan) evidently think that 150 to 170 pounds is average. That's even more frightening than what it may seem at first. Since the weight of most non-fat tissue in the body (brain, blood vessels, liver, kidneys, pancreas, bones, muscles, etc.) doesn't vary by much, a typical Russian woman might have 20 pounds of fat while her "average" counterpart in the United States may carry around 80 pounds of fat. What really matters isn't body weight, it is body fat percentage. With rare exceptions, men think that women with body fat percentages of 18% look yummy, while women who are 47% fat by weight . . . well, not so yummy. Appearance aside, that extra 60 pounds of fat can cause a number of health problems.

Obesity is not inevitable. I beat it, and I know women who, even after marriage and childbirth, have better bodies than most models. I have other friends, too, like Karen, who are mothers yet have such stunning bodies they'd make any man drool. Therefore, obesity after marriage or childbirth is not certain. From reading your question, Eric, it seems clear to me that your wife pulled the ripcord and doesn't feel the slightest bit guilty about it. Is there a reason for this? Are you obese? Is there a reason why your wife doesn't give a hoot?

Two years later I received this response from Eric's wife, Julie:

"Eric showed me your answer, and at first I wanted to strangle you. You were right and I knew it, but rather than blame myself, it was so much easier to blame you. However, deep down I knew that I had stopped trying to keep myself attractive to Eric. Almost all of my friends are overweight, and to tell you the truth that lowered the expectations I had for myself. However, I guess I never really thought about how this might affect Eric's feelings toward me. Anyway, I eventually faced up to the facts. I was overweight, and I had a husband who didn't like my body. I began dieting and exercising, and I regained my old figure. You're correct, it can be done. Now our marriage is much better. Eric treats me like he used to before we were married, and that of course just fuels my desire to please him more. The passion had gone out of our relationship, but now it's back. Thanks, Dr. Pezzi."

While it's politically incorrect and almost taboo to assail some of the "games people play" in regard to obesity, I will discuss it because I don't think that sweeping this problem under the rug is helping anyone. Obese people often claim they do everything they can to lose weight even when they know that's simply not true. Here's an example. I once met an overweight woman with a number of good qualities. She was very interested in dating me, but I was frank and explained that I am not attracted to obese women. She promised to lose weight, so I continued to see her, thinking that we could develop a friendship and perhaps more if she succeeded in losing weight. To make a long story short, she put on a great show of trying to lose weight. Whenever I saw her eat, she would either nibble at her food as if her stomach were the size of a thimble, or she'd eat some atrocious homemade concoction like seaweed soup, whose smell was reminiscent of feces. She told me that her workouts were exhausting, but I didn't see any progress after this went on for months. Had she ate as little, and exercised as much, as she claimed, after months of such an arduous regimen she would have lost weight unless her body knew how to suspend the laws of physics. I told her that I did not believe her, but she swore up and down that she was doing everything she said. This protestation did nothing to dispel my incredulity. No, really, she said. I'm trying, really trying, really, really, really trying. Yeah, right. Sorry, I said, I still don't believe you. Then she tried to persuade me using anger and a guilt trip. I didn't budge. Finally, she sent me an e-mail in which she admitted that once she began seeing me, she no longer felt an impetus to lose weight. Just what I'd suspected. Between her periods of rigorously dieting, she'd binge enough to make up for the earlier caloric deprivation. Finally, the truth.

Back in the days when I was fat, I could honestly say that I always starved myself between meals. I pretended to be into health food. I could conjure up all sorts of excuses as to why women should like me even though I was chubby. I would focus on my good qualities, and ignore the reflection I saw in the mirror after getting out of the shower. Self-deception and excuses became familiar. Sound familiar?

As a resident working 110 hours per week, with no time to exercise, and with food being the only pleasure in my life, I didn't even try to lose weight. I suppose I could have continued this deception throughout my life and become one of those physicians who use a doctor's smock to camouflage their dietary indiscretions, but I'd had enough. I stopped the self-deception, and ended the excuses. My metabolism didn't burn up calories as readily as it once did, but I lost the weight. All of it.

Obese people often think that our culture picks on them. In some respects, it does. However, our culture also bends over backwards to facilitate self-deception in obese people. Insurance companies revised their criteria for normal weights. Loose-fit jeans are the rage, not so much for reasons of style, but because our physiques often need to be housed in extra fabric. Obese people have their healthcare costs subsidized by thinner, healthier people who pay equal premiums. Childhood obesity is skyrocketing, and more prevalent than ever. The obesity thought-police ignores this, and instead just breathes a collective sigh of relief that more kids aren't anorexic. Doctors are increasingly afraid to address this problem, fearing that the parents will jump all over them for mentioning anything that might interfere with their children's self-esteem. A case in point. A ten-year-old girl had a potbelly due to the usual suspects: too much food and not enough exercise. Not kwashiorkor. No other excuse I'd buy. I explained to her mother that the pre-pubertal period was one of the times that existing obesity predisposes people to a lifetime of fighting fat, so I urged the mother to help her child lose weight now. She already weighed more than some adult women, and she'd not yet reached the age when women tend to pack on the pounds. The Mom's response? Anger. Predictably.

Unfortunately for patients, doctors in the United States now often think of the people they serve as customers rather than patients. This ideological shift has effectively put a muzzle on docs, making them reluctant to address even glaringly obvious problems — such as a young girl with a potbelly — out of fear that the customer might be irate enough to take their business elsewhere. Doctors with better "patient satisfaction scores" pat themselves on the back, and are sometimes rewarded with more money. However, by abnegating their responsibility to do what is best for their patients, they're not doing them any favors.

Is it shallow for men to desire slim partners? Absolutely not. Here's why.

An overweight friend of mine sent an e-mail to me in which she more or less said that she's perfectly happy being overweight, and she suggested that men who desire slim mates are shallow. My response to her presented a cogent reason why it is not shallow to desire a slim partner. You can read our e-mail exchange (left click to open in a new window), or just read my central argument in the following paragraph:

Marriage isn't just about today — it's about tomorrow, too. And a lot of tomorrows in the future. Obesity predisposes people to many diseases. Frankly, I don't want a wife who can't take a walk with me in the future because her knees or hips are arthritic. I don't want a wife who died years ago because of breast cancer. I don't want a wife who is tethered to an oxygen tank, and I don't want a wife whose body is destroyed by diabetes. I don't have a crystal ball to peer into the future and see who will be healthy, and who won't. So I judge the likelihood of poor health in the future by looking for the underlying factor (obesity) that is the most frequent common denominator in the diseases most apt to kill or debilitate in the years to come. Therefore, being slim isn't just a matter of beauty; it's a strong indicator of long-term health. I don't have a crystal ball, but I do have common sense. Many other men have common sense, too, and their bias against blubber isn't some shallow desire.

Afraid of marrying a man who might become bald
Pezzi wonders, "Does she think that only men age?"

Q: How can I tell if a man will become bald? It'd be a nightmare for me if I married some great guy, then he lost his hair . . . because my love for him would go right out the window. I can't see myself ever being attracted to someone who is bald, so I want some foolproof way of knowing in advance if he'll keep all his hair. Can you help me, doc? Kristen

A: Yes. You need it. I have a number of answers and responses to your question. In no particular order, they are:

1. First, all men and women lose hair as they age. Hair loss in women is less apparent because they usually sustain a diminution of hair density over the entire scalp, rather than in the discrete, progressive pattern that is the hallmark of male pattern baldness. However, even in people who don't "go bald," hair density decreases with age.

2. While everyone has the right to determine what they want in a partner, I hope — for your sake — that you don't develop some of the maladies that plague women when they age, such as wrinkles, cellulite, stretch marks, varicose veins, sagging breasts, loss of breast size, a "tummy" that is refractory to sit-ups, and excessive fat on the hips, thighs, and buttocks. Men can get fat, too, but they're less apt to wrinkle, much less likely to have cellulite, stretch marks, or varicosities, and almost immune from sagging breasts — for obvious reasons. The scorecard? Presuming that a man keeps in shape, his one major sign of aging is hair loss. Women face more risks, which may be why our society thinks that older men can still be very attractive, but older women are rarely coveted. If you disagree with this, don't kill the messenger. I'm just relaying what is common knowledge.

3. Baldness actually complements the faces of some men. Take Dr. Phil (of Oprah fame), or the actor who portrays Admiral Chegwidden on JAG. I am not gay, or bisexual, but I can tell if a man is attractive or not, and I think both men are handsome in spite of their baldness. Furthermore, in my opinion, I think they'd look worse with more hair.

4. Baldness is now more treatable than ever, with hair transplants and various anti-DHT meds and whatnot. The bad news about the anti-DHT drugs is that while they may restore hair, they can decimate a man's sex life by reducing his libido, impairing erectile performance, and inducing a very gradual shrinkage of the penis. Any doc who is unaware of these risks is either brain dead, inexperienced, or gullible enough to be hoodwinked by the pharmaceutical industry. One of my pet peeves is stupid drugs ads. One ad that I recall was when the maker of Propecia^® (finasteride, an anti-DHT drug) attempted to make men believe that taking Propecia every day was something as innocuous as taking a daily "vitamin pill." How ridiculous. Vitamins are essential for life and generally just beneficial, while anti-DHT drugs have plusses and minuses. However dismal it is to face the dilemma of choosing to benefit one's hairline at the risk of impairing one's sex life, there is good news on the horizon. A doctor in France discovered a way to clone a man's own hair cells, obviating the problems of tissue rejection, and avoiding the quagmire of social issues that plagues other cloning endeavors.

5. Keep in mind that one's perception of beauty changes with age. When I was 15, I thought women aged 40 were antiques. Now that I'm that age, I know some 40-ish women (all married, unfortunately for me) who are mesmerizingly beautiful. I suspect that when I'm 60, women of that age will look a lot better than they do now.

6. OK, to answer your question. There is no simple inheritance pattern for baldness, as people sometimes believe. Many genes contribute to this, so you cannot assume that a man will be bald just because his father or grandfather was. My advice? If you love the man, marry him. In twenty years, you'll probably be more worried about your own beauty problems than his. Plus, as I mentioned above, medical science is nearing the time when people can choose to have as much hair as they wish . . . or can afford (I assume cloning won't be cheap). However, we haven't made comparable progress in combating many of the beauty issues that women face. Consequently, some day you might actually welcome some erosion of your partner's attractiveness, because yours will surely erode, too. If his appearance never waned, he'd probably eventually dump you and choose a younger partner.

Bottom line? I assume you think you either won't age, or that if you do, a man shouldn't care how much you go to pot. Just hope your future husband is a lot more forgiving of human imperfection than you are.

Spot reduction/enlargement
Slimming thighs/enlarging breasts
Reducing cellulite

Q: In your book, you discuss how it is possible to enlarge the breasts using a high-tech bra that actually modifies enzyme activity and blood flow. Could this technique be used elsewhere in reverse? I want to reduce the size of my legs, which are chubby in proportion to the rest of my body, which is slim. I don't want liposuction for several reasons. First, I can't afford it. Second, I'm afraid of the potential surgical complications. Third, liposuction doesn't do much for cellulite. Since your technique preferentially targets the outer fat, it seems to be an ideal way to reduce cellulite.

A: Yes, that technique can be used in reverse for spot reduction and treating cellulite, too. Spot reduction acquired a bad name because the old recommendations were ineffective. For example, men were told to exercise their oblique muscles to reduce the size of their love handles. That just doesn't work. A man could have the strongest oblique muscles in the world and still have love handles. While the old ways were unsuccessful, this doesn't mean that spot reduction is impossible. Just because man can't fly by jumping off a cliff and flapping some makeshift wings, this doesn't mean that man cannot fly. Given the right tool — an airplane, a rocket belt, or even a hang glider — flight is easy. The key is the right tool. The same is true with spot reduction. With the right device, it's possible to selectively slim or enlarge part of the body. I discussed the science behind this concept in both The Science of Sex and Fascinating Health Secrets.

Increasing height: A good idea? Nuts?

Q: Hello Dr. Pezzi, about a week ago I stumbled across your ER site and everyday I've been coming back for a few hours to read more. It is very well put together and extremely entertaining. The sheer amount of information you've shared with everyone is staggering. I've easily added 10 new bookmarks to my favorites list from your pages. So thank you. :-)

Anyway, I'm a senior in high school, and my question is this: I read your "What Really Turns Women On" page, which you separated into four categories:

Brains: I consider myself of above-average intelligence. I do well in school, I ask a lot of questions, read a lot, etc.
Power/Wealth: I come from a fairly well-off family and unless I manage to somehow majorly botch something up (which is always a possibility, eek) odds are I'll be successful too. That's how it has been for generations.
Fame: I'm working on that one. :-)
Appearance: This is where my problem is. My body is in good shape, and I'm very athletic. As far as facial features on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd probably give myself an 8. By no means am I going to be appearing on the cover of any magazine, but I also won't turn a woman into stone if she looks at me. I've always been a reasonably popular guy.

My problem is that I'm short. I'll be 18 at the end of November and I'm only 5'4". Every male on my father's side of the family going back many generations has been 6' - 6'3" or so, but my mom's side is relatively short. I got the short end of the genetic stick on that one (pun intended of course).

It's a problem though, and I'm embarrassed (even in e-mail) to ask about it. I've spent more time than is probably healthy trying to find some statistic somewhere that said it didn't matter, but everything I found said things like "95% of women wouldn't date a guy shorter than them" and "97% of women polled say their spouse must be taller than they are" — things like that. And those blasted platform-esque shoes that are in style now only make it worse.

I've looked online and in the library, but I can only find web sites that will "sell me the secret to growing taller for only $9.99 a month" and then spam me with a dozen popups — those are sites I tend not to trust. I'd also heard about a young woman who wanted to be an airline stewardess but she was too short so she had some doctor crank apart her legs and thighs a tiny bit twice a day to add a few inches leaving her bedridden (with multiple fractures in both legs and thigh) for 9 months. The scary thing is I'd almost do the second, so I figured I'd ask you. Is there any way you can improve height? I know I'll never be 6'. I need to be realistic, but if there's a way to add 3 or 4 inches I'd be ecstatic.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far. This was a bit longer than I'd intended and again, I know you're busy so if you can't respond I'll understand completely. Thanks, (name withheld by request).

A: At your age, the only way I know to add three or four inches of height is via surgery. There are two ways of viewing whether it's nuts to consider such an extreme option:

Yes, it's nuts: Even if 99.9% of the women turn their noses up at you, to get married and have a successful life in terms of emotions and love, it takes only one woman who adores you. Some women are short and prefer a man who does not tower above them. That makes kissing, hugging, and lovemaking more enjoyable. Even in women who aren't short, some don't give a hoot about height. For example, one of the women in my "Beautiful Women in the ER Contest" is exceptionally attractive, but she told me that a man's physical attributes mean nothing to her. Want another example? Years ago, I worked for a man whose birth defects left him with one of the smallest, most deformed bodies I've ever seen, yet he was married to a woman half his age who was very attractive in every way (about 5'6", 115 pounds, pretty face, enticing breasts and legs, and a great overall shape) . . . and no, he wasn't rich. His secret? He had a dynamic personality, and did not feel handicapped by his handicaps. Bottom line? You could get married and not have to settle for the leftovers.

No, it's not nuts: Sure, it takes only one such woman to fall in love with you . . . but good luck finding her. Even in men who aren't short, finding a great match can be incredibly difficult. Since most women do care about height, this problem will be compounded. Apart from the romantic aspects, height is a major attribute in other areas, too. Statistically speaking, taller men get better jobs and make more money. If you've read some of the comments on this web site that I made about appearance, you know that I think it's crazy how the world showers some people with gifts just because they look a certain way. However much I think it's nuts, most of the world evidently does not agree with me.

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