Sexual Chemistry and Compatibility

A: Your ex-boyfriend had almost everything you're seeking in a partner, including an appearance you found appealing, yet you were not sexually excited by him. From your message, I assume that you are (or have been) turned on by other men. Specifically what did they have that your most recent ex-boyfriend did not? Yes, some women are indeed turned on only by inappropriate men. I had a similar experience several years ago. Here it is:

 

While shopping in a Wal-Mart years ago, I passed an attractive woman who seemed very friendly. She smiled at me, so I smiled at her . . . but we passed, saying nothing. I completed shopping for the odds and ends I was after, then went to the grocery store. After shopping for a few minutes, I ran into her again. Same thing. She smiled at me, I smiled at her. We passed. End of story? Not this time. This was seemingly too good to pass up. I turned around and there she was, stopped in the aisle, looking at me. She had what I call "the look": a beautiful, high-class, intelligent appearance. Although I felt very uncomfortable about asking her out, I couldn’t pass up a chance like this. When she accepted, I was joyous. Unfortunately, that was the high point of our relationship.

It didn’t take long for things to deteriorate. After we agreed upon a date, she tore out a deposit slip from her checkbook so I would have her address and phone number. I immediately noticed the deposit slip had a man’s name on it. I asked her if she was married, and she seemed very uncomfortable as she gave me an answer that can be best described as "equivocal." I pressed for a more definitive reply, but she said I had nothing to worry about and that she would tell me more when she knew me better. But no, she said, she wasn’t really married. I wondered what she meant by "really," but my libido was seriously interfering with my judgment. It’s funny what testosterone does to the brain.

When I called her a few days later I was surprised when an elderly man answered the phone. Her grandpa? After another uncomfortable circumlocution, I didn’t know who the heck he was, but she assured me it wasn’t her grandfather. Somehow, that did not seem very assuring.

She explained that she couldn’t go on a date right away, for reasons she could not explain. Again she told me not to worry, saying that everything would be clear soon enough. For once, it was. She called me a couple of weeks later saying that she had moved. The man whose voice I had questioned was not her grandfather but her ex-fiancé. She’d broken off the engagement because she thought he was becoming senile. That’s a real risk when you date people who are 40 years your senior. She gave me her new phone number and explained we could date when she finished unpacking.

I telephoned a week later and the phone was answered by a man who sounded like he was her age, which was about 30. Not to worry, she said, that was just her friend with whom she was living. No sex, just friends, really.

That I would still want to date her at this point is a reflection of sheer desperation and outright stupidity. But she had "the look" I’d been looking for all my life, and I was not about to let her get away even if she seemed to be missing a few screws. We agreed that I would pick her up the next Saturday evening, so she gave me directions to her place.

After driving an hour to reach the general vicinity of her residence, it took me another half-hour to find her road, which was nothing more than a two-track trail in the woods. Thank God I had a Jeep. After driving more than a mile deep into the woods and having my paint scraped by protruding branches in several narrow sections of the trail, I reached her house. Actually, it was a shack, and a poorly maintained one at that. But dang, did she ever look nice! Priorities, right?

She wanted to eat dinner at the finest restaurant in the area, which made a Big Boy^® diner seem like a five-star restaurant. I inspected every bite of food before swallowing it, hoping that this food was fresher than it looked. I passed on the opportunity to savor their exclusive dessert, although I did give them points for having the imagination to serve Oreo cookies. As I said, it was classy.

After we got back in my Jeep, my date seemed to be at a loss of what to do next, so she had me drive around town while she gave this matter some thought. This gave me the opportunity to explore this lovely vista, which consisted of a post office, several bars, three auto parts stores, and an IGA grocery. As I was passing the IGA for the third time, she suddenly blurted out that she wanted to have a drink.

As we entered the bar it was obvious that she knew most of the people in the bar. I have very little experience with bars, but I cannot imagine that such familiarity is a good sign. Oh well, I rationalized, she has "the look," and I hadn’t dated in ages. Any port in a storm.

After she finished her drink, she abruptly announced that she wanted to go for a drive in her car. We drove back to the shack to exchange vehicles, then left with her driving. After traveling a few miles she turned off on another trail in the woods. Someone’s driveway? No, she answered, this was a snowmobile trail. I’d never been on a snowmobile trail in August before, but I thought it would be interesting to travel through the woods.

And it was. After a few minutes she stopped and turned her engine off. She explained that she had decided she could not go through with it. I asked, go through with what? With having sex with me, she said. While I was still intrigued by her appearance, her nonstop flaky behavior was so distracting that I hadn’t even considered the notion of sex. Nope, no sex, so it’s back to her place.

During the course of a two-hour conversation she said that she wanted to date me because I was so unlike most of the other fellows she’d previously dated. Really, how so? To begin with, she explained, most of them were now in the state prison. She didn’t know why, but she was drawn to angry men who rode motorcycles. Her husband — that man listed on her checking account — had abbreviated someone’s life span, and was consequently given a long prison term. Thus, she explained, she wasn’t really married, so she wanted to date me. She admitted that she was having a bit of a problem getting sexually excited about me because I wasn’t dangerous, but she was willing to put up with a boring sex life in exchange for having a better role model for her daughter. I considered asking her how she planned on marrying Grandpa while she was still legally married to the biker, but I was not especially interested in hearing what she had to say about that.

I’d heard enough — in fact, I’d heard way too much. As I exited her two-track and the branches gouged new defects in my paint, I considered that a small price to pay for learning that appearances can be deceiving.

 

She thought that I was attractive and had other desirable attributes, yet I didn't turn her on. Had I been an ex-con bad boy, she likely would have tried to show me new ways to have fun on snowmobile trails. One need not be a psychiatrist to know that this is nuts. She thinks that only felons make great bed buddies? Go figure. Most women seeking a mate will eventually consider sleeping with a man if he is available, expresses a mutual interest, and possesses most of the attributes on her mental checklist of what she wants in a partner. Notably absent from that list are generally things such as time spent in a penitentiary for robbing, raping, or killing. Society thinks that outlaws should be punished, but some women think that such criminals are sexually preferable to normal men. Is this because those women are anarchists who loathe our laws? No. It is because their brains harbor an odd link between sex and a bygone (often long-forgotten) fascination with violence, fear, and power. If you look at how the brain's neurotransmitters change in response to those emotions, it is not very surprising to learn that they stimulate sexual desire in some people. My book discusses this subject in more detail, revealing how libido — even in normal people — can be heightened by socially acceptable fear (e.g., a roller coaster ride, watching a scary movie, walking on a rope suspension bridge, or for people who fear heights, riding on a Ferris wheel).

 

It is not easy for an outlaw-loving woman to reprogram her brain so that her deep-seated sexual turn-ons are replaced by things that once made her yawn, like law-abiding men. She may gain some valuable insight by undergoing therapy, but it is doubtful that any shrink could make her crave things that once put her to sleep. However, if you consider how the brain learns to like certain events, it is because the brain has formed a positive association with those experiences. Cultivating a new turn-on link is possible, but it won't happen without a concerted effort and a knowledge of how to stoke the reward systems in the brain. Remember how your elementary school teacher gave you a gold star for doing something great? When you do something that merits a reward, your brain can't dish out a gold star, but it does release dopamine, a neurotransmitter that provides pleasure. Generally speaking, more dopamine = more pleasure = greater reward. It isn't difficult to boost brain dopamine levels. My book mentions various ways to do this. One of the most direct ways to get a nonprescription dopamine boost is to eat fava beans. With this information and some ingenuity, it is possible to foster the creation of a new turn-on. It likely will not be the sort of burning passion that minds create for inexplicable reasons (why are slim legs generally sexier than fat ones?), but it is better than the alternatives: perpetual indifference, or a libido that says "yes" only to malefactors.

 

By the way, I am not implying that you are drawn to criminals, as some women are. You don't specify exactly what types of men appeal to you, but you seem to suggest that nice guys don't light your fire. If so, you are hardly alone. Many women claim to like nice guys, but obviously prefer jerks. The roots of this maladaptive preference are multifactorial, but one of the possible reasons is that poor self-esteem leads some women to reflexively devalue any guy who is nice to them. Deep down, they think little of themselves, so anyone who really likes them and shows it . . . well, that person must be a desperate loser, and hence unappealing, because who would want to be with me anyway? I'm not truly worthy of love. Bring on the jerks. They devalue me, so they must be desirable. Often these jerks remind them of their families who may have treated them likewise. I've finally met someone I am comfortable with, who treats me like crap like my father or mother once did. Now I am in my comfort zone again.
 

In your last paragraph you asked if you were being ridiculous or unrealistic. In some ways, you are. Many women would love to have the man that you tossed away. They would likely think that you are too picky. You had a great guy who was attractive and adored you, and you dumped him? On the other hand, we all have the right to our own preferences, even if they are illogical. That is your prerogative, but bear in mind that tolerating these maladaptive likes can sabotage your long-term happiness. Women who love jerks usually do not have pleasant lives. No one becomes a jerk without cause.

 

Sexual passion eventually wanes in most couples. Therefore, you may wish to consider if you are better off with a sexually humdrum guy who is otherwise great, or a "different type," as you suggested. If you are like most women, in ten years you will likely have no burning passion for either man. So why not go for the guy who has more enduring qualities?

 

I am not trying to downplay the importance of lust in relationships. Lust, and the satisfaction of that desire, is one of the most exciting and rewarding things that humans can experience. Lust should be encouraged, especially in regard to prolonging it so that couples can continue to experience passion for one another long after they say, "I do." Considering how the brain seems to automatically moderate any sustained high, some diminution of lust is to be expected. However, I don't agree with the multitudes who figuratively thrown their hands up and think that the evaporation of lust is so inevitable that the only way to rekindle it is by getting a new (often younger) partner. Frankly, when you consider what many older couples have to look forward to (an out-of-shape partner and sexual pleasure that is often disappointing and infrequent), it is no wonder that their passion dwindles. But what if your partner remained in good shape and looked young for his age? What if he gave you sexual pleasure so intense that you wondered if anything could possibly be more pleasurable? If so, wouldn't you have more passion for your partner? How could you not? My book presents hundreds of ways to improve appearance, health, libido, and sexual pleasure, all of which influence passion. Obviously, I think passion is important. Nevertheless, so is finding an otherwise wonderful partner.